I don't usually do my own shoppin' since my wife and Mable can both handle those chore, but I decided to go out to the Piggly Wiggly today because I had to get some Clementine oranges and I can't trust a woman to pick out some Clementines because they can't identify the level of suppleness that this southern man prefers.So I drive up there and start to fetchin' some Clementines and before you know it I smell something that smells like a hog's ass. It was honest to gawd hog filth - or at least it smelt like it. So I was looking around the Wiggly trying to see if somebody had tracked some filth in on their shoes and before you knew it, I realized that the fella standing next to me was the source of the stinkiness.
Now I don't mind when ya been woirking hard all day out in a field somewhere trying to be a productive member of the South and you start to develop an air of yuck to ya, but this was just a case of not bathin'. What God fearing southern man doesn't bath on the Lord's day? Trick question cuz there ain't none.
This man was of a different ilk and not what you would expect to see at the Wiggly. He's the kind a guy ya keep your eye on at the airport. Oh, for no other reason than you don't want his stink next to ya on the plane.... that's all I was sayin'. Keep our country stink free is what SEC Guy says.
11 comments:
Nice, I was hoping SEC Guy would turn into his own spin-off character. Now you just got to get some audio on the site and it'll take off.
It's good to know there are fine southern gentlemen out there, like you Mr.SECGuy, that are looking out for those of us with a more genteel sensibility. I too have come across people of the non-bathing persuasion on my adventures out into the less dignified world, and I must say that it can be quite a terrible experience.
Now, speaking of the glorious South Eastern Conference, let us hope that next year those fools in the BCS computer room or what have you can do the correct calculations and arithmatics to get the right two teams into the Title game.
Everyone knows that teams from the Nawth and the West can't hold a candle to the righteous son's of the SEC when it comes to playing the football. Wouldn't it have been much more exciting to see Louisiana State playing the Bulldogs of Georgia for that lovely crystal football? I say yes sir, and I am sure you will agree. SEC= great football, and SEC vs SEC= the greatest title game in the history of the game.
Besides, with two teams from the Lord's conference playing for the title it's a win-win situation for everyone. God bless you, you Son of the South, may the sun always shine for you and the Mint Julips always quench your thirst.
Yours in Friendship,
TyMo
nitannyguys@hotmail.com
SECGuy-
I could not agree more with your recent missive on those of the smellier persuasion. There was a time when such persons would have the good sense and grace (nay, decorum) not to even enter such a glorious Southern establishment as the PigglyWiggly. Times is certainly changin' and not for the better, no sir!
On a happier front, I would like to applaud Young Mister Tymo for his suggested alterations to the current format of the ridiculous Bowl Championship Series, which should rightfully be called BCSEC to honor the great and glorious Southeastern Conference.
However, I'm sure a fine, gracious manor-born Southern Gentleman like yourself could see the wisdom of my plan.
With all of the fussin' and hollerin' over the current BCS, I would like to suggest a playoff, whereby the finest teams in college football would compete for the championship crown.
My suggestion works in this manner: a playoff involving the best twelve teams in the nation, with the winner of the SEC East facing the winner of the SEC West for the national chamionship. I cannot think of a fairer, more equitable manner in which to determine the best team in the nation.
As far as the other lesser teams, as bedraggled as they are and as dubious is there lineage...I don't know...maybe the Meineke Car Care Bowl or some such nonsense.
To Dixie!
Yours, etc.
Ulysses Beauregard Yancey
Thank you to all you kind folks with like-minded sensibilities. I believe the whole BCS mess could be reckoned with by just limiting it to the SEC and about 8 other teams once the season started. If any of the other 8 lose durin' the year, they are out.
As for stinky people, they got no right to be stinkin' up a public place. By gawd spray some fu-fu on as my momma used to say.
Tymo you sound like a carpet bagger to me.
Carpet bagger? Sir, you offend me! I am a pure blooded Southerner with roots going back to the early 1800's in these here parts. My grand daddy's grand daddy fought with the boys at Shiloh and Bull Run, and missed out on Gettysburgh due to an unfortunate situation involving a young indentured servant girl that falsely accused him of shennanigans that shall go unnamed.
i find your insinuation that I am somehow a pretender, a Johhny come lately if you will, to be insulting to the point of humiliation. Where this a face to face meeting I would ask you to step outside so we could settle this like gentlemen, but since you have found it neccessary to make your attack over this here internet I can only use words to defend my honor.
You sir are a no account scoundrel and are probably of mongrel lineage, which is indicated in your sneak attack tactics. I have no doubt that you are some sort of yankee, and are probably a follower of the "Big" 10 conference.
Let me appologize to you sir now for the pain caused you the last two years for the fine young men of the SEC takin' to whoopin' your O-hio state boys so badly. That being said i now consider this matter closed. I believe I will go have myself an Iced Tea now. Excuse me, Gentlemen. Until Next time.
carpet bagger, I'm not the bloke with the Big 10/11 penn state mascot in my email address, or am I mistaken by your "nittany" reference.
The nitanny, and if you'll notice it is actually spelled nittany, is in reference to a personal matter and in no way related to or in reference of said Northern school. given that you have paid attention to that detail however I am inclined to retract my past statement that you are a Yankee, as only a man of Southern heritage could have possibly paid that close attention. Though you are mistaken about me I applaude you, sir, and your carpetbagger reference is forgiven. Long live the Southeastern Conference, may its title reign last until we are all long in the ground.
Tymo-
If I were a gentleman in your position, with your honor and heritage besmirched in such a way, why, there would be only one altoinative...pistols at twenty paces.
A man of your obvious grace and character cannot have his honor challenged by one who seems to be no more than a low-born scalawag.
Let me know if you need to avail yourself of the services of my manservant Higgins to hold the pistol case.
Yours etc,
Ulysses Beauregard Yancey
mewilliams1972@netscape.net
Ulysses,
Thanks for the advice. However, I am of the opinion that an altercation between two gentlemen should be dealt with by the two gentlemen involved. Mr.Tymo and I had a little disagreement, if you will, that was all a misunderstanding of sorts. As a Southern Gentlemen, I find it my duty to expose those from the north who try to infiltrate the great states of the south with their foulness and wicked ways. Yankees, as you are aware, have a tendency to utilize less tactful methods in their daily business matters, and I will always confront any gentlemen who I believe to be less than forthright in their ways. However, I will always extend my hand and an apology when I am proven to be inaccurate in my accusations. Therefore, Mr.Tymo, I offer my humblest apologies to you and your ancestors for my accusations. It is my pleasure to call you a true Southern Gentleman, and would like to extend and an invitation to partake in a meal of my Great Aunt Lil's famous fried chicken and buttermilk biscuits.
And for you Mr.Ulysses, always remember, keep your powder dry.
It would honor me, sir, to dine with your family and to partake of the fine Southern hospitality of you Great Aunt Lil. I look forward to trying that sweet woman's chicken and biscuits, and cannot wait to discuss the glory that is Southeastern Conference football with a kindered spirit such as you. You need only tell me the time and the place and I will gladly share a table with you.
Warmest Regards,
TyMo
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